Dear Nordy (may I call you Nordy? I'm just gonna go with it),
I would first like to thank you for
making the University of Pittsburgh a fantastic place to get an education. Seriously, thanks to all your hard work, Pitt
is no longer just a safety school for us PA kids Who Aren't (get it?! Classic Nittany Lion pun); it has
become a reputable and selective institution with a better-than-average balance
of athletics, academics, and activities, as well as a high level of school
spirit without being obnoxious or forgetting about the world outside of our
dear Oakland. (still looking at you,
JoePa-triots. And they keep coming!)
Frankly, Pitt has spoiled me rotten. Spending this semester abroad has taught me
to appreciate the many, many perks of being a Panther, especially:
- 900 FREE printing pages that I can conveniently print
from one of our many computing labs or even the comfort of my own room. You even threw in the double-sided option so
it's really like you're secretly giving me 1,800 pages. My cup runneth over.
- Market Central. Seriously, has dining hall food ever tasted this good? Answer: it hasn't. And again, you get me with the comfy booths
and electrical outlets. Not to mention
the (mostly) friendly staff and the adorable panther print waffles.
- Spacious dorm rooms. Yes, there are a few exceptions but listen, it's not my
fault you decided to live in Hamster Cages A, B, or C, you conformists. And even those are palaces compared to some
of the accommodations elsewhere.
- Discounts and FREE Port Authority
pass on my Pitt ID. This one speaks for itself. A Pitt ID really opens up the city and the
surrounding neighborhoods to students. Not
only can it get you TO places like the Andy Warhol Museum, but it gets you IN the
exhibits FO' FREE (or really cheap but that doesn't sound as good).
- The 10A and its more elusive older
brother, the 10B. Those shuttles are like knights in
shining armor coming to rescue drunk kids and lazy hill-dwellers alike.
- Online course registration - but I think I'm on my own for
this one. I actually look forward to
scheduling the next semester's classes. Then
again, I'm not frantically trying to squeeze both bio and chem lab into one
semester. But whether I'm doing an
embarrassing victory dance because I scored the last spot in a coveted double
req or screaming obscenities at my Student Center when 3 of my 5 classes are
full, at least my laptop is the only witness.
- Security. I absolutely hate signing people in and out, especially
non-Pitt students (you REALLY need their zip code?) but I have never felt safer
anywhere than a Pitt dorm. Think about
the crazies out there, including the angry drunk guy who tried to follow your
roommate home from SAE. Uh, hand over
the pen please. (Plus the guards for the
most part are AWESOME and I love them). AND
I hear you've implemented a new system that swipes all valid Pitt IDs,
eliminating the unnecessary process of signing a kid from Sutherland West into
East. It's like you heard my prayers,
Nordy.
- The Pitt News. Without fail, I read it every day. Granted I usually skip some articles, like
intramural volleyball play-by-plays (no offense though, you guys deserve the
press!!). But it's always at least
entertaining if not always informational.
And there's nothing like a good police blotter (until you're in
it...awkward). Although, I kind of can't
believe you let that one chick write those weirdly sexually explicit editorials
that make me cringe bi-weekly (and there's the awkward innuendo, she'd be so
proud).
- The Cathedral of Learning. Nothing else needs to be said. Of course I'm going to say a few something
elses (you have realized by now that I'm verbose, right?). I could go on for an entire post about this
place, but I'll pick just a few highlights.
Cath (as she's affectionately known to all who have fallen under her
spell) is like Grand Central Station without the homeless people (or trains). Besides having 85% of my classes there, I
can sleep, eat, lounge, study (read: hang out with my friends
with my notebook open), WHATEVER in the Common Room aka HOGWARTS once I
score a round table (and I always score a round table). Or if I need silence, more room, or a
chalkboard, I can just slip into a deserted classroom on one of the 37 floors
(okay 3 floors, but it's imagery). AND
THE NATIONALITY ROOMS, MY GOD. And the
ground floor has TWO computing labs, a coffee cart, and the Cafe where I can
get my Chik-fil-A fix or my veggie cup w/ peach yogurt or a chicken Caesar
salad OR WHATEVER I WANT (kinda) with my handy dandy Dining Dollars. And obviously, Cath is a thing of beauty. She actually looks like the brochures too,
it's like she's airbrushed. Ask five
Pitt students and I guarantee that four of them will list Cath in their top 10
reasons for coming to Pitt.
There are countless other things I love
about my school but in the interest of time, I'll stop there. I'm sure I'll think of more things that are
blog-worthy (sofas in the Union, Soldiers and Sailors, Towers Lobby on a Friday
night!!!) but let's move on to the main topic of this letter.
We've all seen the papers so I know
that money is tight. BELIEVE ME, I
KNOW. As you can see from the novel
I just wrote, I love Pitt and you do your best to give us our money's worth. But I still think it's ridiculous that I'm
paying close to $100,000 total for a piece of paper that basically says I
managed to study more than I partied for four years (listed on my resume as
"excellent time management" and "can prioritize tasks
efficiently and effectively"). This
is especially mind-boggling when you consider the fact that students in other
countries pay about 1/10th of that for university - and yet they're coming out
better prepared for the real world, according to journalists and research
mumbo-jumbo. And I know it's not
entirely your fault, I really do. It's
because of other people, like Tom Corbett (excuse me, Scholar-Hating Satan). But there is one line that you have boldly
crossed, Nordy. And Kate no likey.
Tell me, oh Nordinator: why the cover
sheets? Why? Seriously.
I leave for ONE semester and you take away the cover sheets. To clarify, I am currently mourning the loss
of those brightly-colored pages that come out on top of my print jobs, the ones
with my username, document title, and the watermarked seal (for tracing in
class, of course). You know, just the only
thing that identifies MY specific print job out of all the other 17,999
students' print jobs. But these were not
just cover sheets. They were tangible,
pastel-colored proof of the fruits of your labor as Chancellor. Single page symbols of all the things that
make our University so wonderful (also, the polio vaccine but I digress).
You see, poor college kids tend to find
uses for anything they get free (after graduation, it's called hoarding
so beware). Those cover sheets saved
me a bundle on notebooks – they were even already color coded for me. But they were not just for copying down Power
Point slides. Those cover sheets have
seen doodle masterpieces, snide remarks scribbled to our neighbors during
speeches, outlines of many a term paper, hundreds of lists, recitation
attendance records, the hopes and dreams of your students. I've even wrapped presents with those
babies.
Cover sheets have helped Pitt students
avoid awkward interactions with their classmates by providing pertinent
information on the object of their lecture-long daydreams without actually
having to approach the hottie. Don't
know the name of the cute guy sitting next to you in psych? Look for the username on his cover sheet,
Find People search it, and boom! You're
Facebook stalking by dinnertime (stop judging, you've all either
already done it or you're kicking yourself for not figuring that out earlier).
As you can see, cover sheets may well be
responsible for thousands of romances that have flowered between Pitt Panthers.
I just don't understand, Mark, I really don't. I imagine the conversation went like this:
"Alright, so we'll
raise tuition 9%"
“SHIT that's high, can we do any
better?"
"Well if we get rid
of those cover sheets on their print jobs, we can cut it down half a
percent?"
"Yeah, 8.5% is better. I bet they won't even miss those cover
sheets."
"They'll be too
drunk to notice during syllabus week and by midterm, they'll forget they ever
had 'em."
Well you. Thought. Wrong, mister. I do miss them. I'm 5,000 miles away and I miss them. Your students miss them. I implore you not to be swayed by environmentalists who will have you believe that you are “going green” by eliminating cover sheets. Trust me, those pastel-colored trees WANT to be pulp-erized into our cover sheets. Little seedlings across the Monongahela Valley dream of the day when they will have their chance to serve as a paper mascot of our academia. They need us as much as we need them.
Well you. Thought. Wrong, mister. I do miss them. I'm 5,000 miles away and I miss them. Your students miss them. I implore you not to be swayed by environmentalists who will have you believe that you are “going green” by eliminating cover sheets. Trust me, those pastel-colored trees WANT to be pulp-erized into our cover sheets. Little seedlings across the Monongahela Valley dream of the day when they will have their chance to serve as a paper mascot of our academia. They need us as much as we need them.
I'm not worried about myself; I've managed to save a small
ream of cover sheets (in all 5 colors) that should hopefully last me three more
semesters. But I worry about the
freshmen who will never know the satisfaction of stumbling upon a blue sheet
day. And I worry about what this could
lead to. Will you start locking the
classrooms in Posvar on weekends? Closing
Club Hillman at 9pm during finals week? Where
will this all end?
You have until January 5, 2012 to reinstate the cover sheets – in all five pastel colors. I'm willing to negotiate the addition of a yellow sheet as compensation for damages. My lawyer and I are eagerly awaiting your response.
Regards,
Kate McGarry ‘13
P.S. Hail to Pitt!
P.P.S. High octane!!! Kidding, I know that wasn't your idea.
P.P.P.S. I don't really have a lawyer. But I'm still serious.
You have until January 5, 2012 to reinstate the cover sheets – in all five pastel colors. I'm willing to negotiate the addition of a yellow sheet as compensation for damages. My lawyer and I are eagerly awaiting your response.
Regards,
Kate McGarry ‘13
P.S. Hail to Pitt!
P.P.S. High octane!!! Kidding, I know that wasn't your idea.
P.P.P.S. I don't really have a lawyer. But I'm still serious.