An open letter to Chancellor Nordenberg

Dear Nordy (may I call you Nordy?  I'm just gonna go with it),

I would first like to thank you for making the University of Pittsburgh a fantastic place to get an education.  Seriously, thanks to all your hard work, Pitt is no longer just a safety school for us PA kids Who Aren't (get it?!  Classic Nittany Lion pun); it has become a reputable and selective institution with a better-than-average balance of athletics, academics, and activities, as well as a high level of school spirit without being obnoxious or forgetting about the world outside of our dear Oakland.  (still looking at you, JoePa-triots.  And they keep coming!)

Frankly, Pitt has spoiled me rotten.  Spending this semester abroad has taught me to appreciate the many, many perks of being a Panther, especially:

- 900 FREE printing pages that I can conveniently print from one of our many computing labs or even the comfort of my own room.  You even threw in the double-sided option so it's really like you're secretly giving me 1,800 pages.  My cup runneth over.

- Market Central.  Seriously, has dining hall food ever tasted this good?  Answer: it hasn't.  And again, you get me with the comfy booths and electrical outlets.  Not to mention the (mostly) friendly staff and the adorable panther print waffles.

- Spacious dorm rooms.  Yes, there are a few exceptions but listen, it's not my fault you decided to live in Hamster Cages A, B, or C, you conformists.  And even those are palaces compared to some of the accommodations elsewhere.

- Discounts and FREE Port Authority pass on my Pitt ID.  This one speaks for itself.  A Pitt ID really opens up the city and the surrounding neighborhoods to students.  Not only can it get you TO places like the Andy Warhol Museum, but it gets you IN the exhibits FO' FREE (or really cheap but that doesn't sound as good).

- The 10A and its more elusive older brother, the 10B.  Those shuttles are like knights in shining armor coming to rescue drunk kids and lazy hill-dwellers alike.

- Online course registration - but I think I'm on my own for this one.  I actually look forward to scheduling the next semester's classes.  Then again, I'm not frantically trying to squeeze both bio and chem lab into one semester.  But whether I'm doing an embarrassing victory dance because I scored the last spot in a coveted double req or screaming obscenities at my Student Center when 3 of my 5 classes are full, at least my laptop is the only witness.

- Security.  I absolutely hate signing people in and out, especially non-Pitt students (you REALLY need their zip code?) but I have never felt safer anywhere than a Pitt dorm.  Think about the crazies out there, including the angry drunk guy who tried to follow your roommate home from SAE.  Uh, hand over the pen please.  (Plus the guards for the most part are AWESOME and I love them).  AND I hear you've implemented a new system that swipes all valid Pitt IDs, eliminating the unnecessary process of signing a kid from Sutherland West into East.  It's like you heard my prayers, Nordy.

- The Pitt News.  Without fail, I read it every day.  Granted I usually skip some articles, like intramural volleyball play-by-plays (no offense though, you guys deserve the press!!).  But it's always at least entertaining if not always informational.  And there's nothing like a good police blotter (until you're in it...awkward).  Although, I kind of can't believe you let that one chick write those weirdly sexually explicit editorials that make me cringe bi-weekly (and there's the awkward innuendo, she'd be so proud).

- The Cathedral of Learning.  Nothing else needs to be said.  Of course I'm going to say a few something elses (you have realized by now that I'm verbose, right?).  I could go on for an entire post about this place, but I'll pick just a few highlights.  Cath (as she's affectionately known to all who have fallen under her spell) is like Grand Central Station without the homeless people (or trains).  Besides having 85% of my classes there, I can sleep, eat, lounge, study (read: hang out with my friends with my notebook open), WHATEVER in the Common Room aka HOGWARTS once I score a round table (and I always score a round table).  Or if I need silence, more room, or a chalkboard, I can just slip into a deserted classroom on one of the 37 floors (okay 3 floors, but it's imagery).  AND THE NATIONALITY ROOMS, MY GOD.  And the ground floor has TWO computing labs, a coffee cart, and the Cafe where I can get my Chik-fil-A fix or my veggie cup w/ peach yogurt or a chicken Caesar salad OR WHATEVER I WANT (kinda) with my handy dandy Dining Dollars.  And obviously, Cath is a thing of beauty.  She actually looks like the brochures too, it's like she's airbrushed.  Ask five Pitt students and I guarantee that four of them will list Cath in their top 10 reasons for coming to Pitt.

There are countless other things I love about my school but in the interest of time, I'll stop there.  I'm sure I'll think of more things that are blog-worthy (sofas in the Union, Soldiers and Sailors, Towers Lobby on a Friday night!!!) but let's move on to the main topic of this letter.

We've all seen the papers so I know that money is tight.  BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.  As you can see from the novel I just wrote, I love Pitt and you do your best to give us our money's worth.  But I still think it's ridiculous that I'm paying close to $100,000 total for a piece of paper that basically says I managed to study more than I partied for four years (listed on my resume as "excellent time management" and "can prioritize tasks efficiently and effectively").  This is especially mind-boggling when you consider the fact that students in other countries pay about 1/10th of that for university - and yet they're coming out better prepared for the real world, according to journalists and research mumbo-jumbo.  And I know it's not entirely your fault, I really do.  It's because of other people, like Tom Corbett (excuse me, Scholar-Hating Satan).  But there is one line that you have boldly crossed, Nordy.  And Kate no likey.

Tell me, oh Nordinator: why the cover sheets?  Why?  Seriously.  I leave for ONE semester and you take away the cover sheets.  To clarify, I am currently mourning the loss of those brightly-colored pages that come out on top of my print jobs, the ones with my username, document title, and the watermarked seal (for tracing in class, of course).  You know, just the only thing that identifies MY specific print job out of all the other 17,999 students' print jobs.  But these were not just cover sheets.  They were tangible, pastel-colored proof of the fruits of your labor as Chancellor.  Single page symbols of all the things that make our University so wonderful (also, the polio vaccine but I digress).

You see, poor college kids tend to find uses for anything they get free (after graduation, it's called hoarding so beware).  Those cover sheets saved me a bundle on notebooks – they were even already color coded for me.  But they were not just for copying down Power Point slides.  Those cover sheets have seen doodle masterpieces, snide remarks scribbled to our neighbors during speeches, outlines of many a term paper, hundreds of lists, recitation attendance records, the hopes and dreams of your students.  I've even wrapped presents with those babies. 

Cover sheets have helped Pitt students avoid awkward interactions with their classmates by providing pertinent information on the object of their lecture-long daydreams without actually having to approach the hottie.  Don't know the name of the cute guy sitting next to you in psych?  Look for the username on his cover sheet, Find People search it, and boom!  You're Facebook stalking by dinnertime (stop judging, you've all either already done it or you're kicking yourself for not figuring that out earlier).  As you can see, cover sheets may well be responsible for thousands of romances that have flowered between Pitt Panthers. 

I just don't understand, Mark, I really don't.  I imagine the conversation went like this:

"Alright, so we'll raise tuition 9%"

                                    “SHIT that's high, can we do any better?"

"Well if we get rid of those cover sheets on their print jobs, we can cut it down half a percent?"

                                    "Yeah, 8.5% is better.  I bet they won't even miss those cover sheets." 

"They'll be too drunk to notice during syllabus week and by midterm, they'll forget they ever had 'em."

Well you.  Thought.  Wrong, mister.  I do miss them.  I'm 5,000 miles away and I miss them.  Your students miss them.  I implore you not to be swayed by environmentalists who will have you believe that you are “going green” by eliminating cover sheets.  Trust me, those pastel-colored trees WANT to be pulp-erized into our cover sheets.  Little seedlings across the Monongahela Valley dream of the day when they will have their chance to serve as a paper mascot of our academia.  They need us as much as we need them. 

I'm not worried about myself; I've managed to save a small ream of cover sheets (in all 5 colors) that should hopefully last me three more semesters.  But I worry about the freshmen who will never know the satisfaction of stumbling upon a blue sheet day.  And I worry about what this could lead to.  Will you start locking the classrooms in Posvar on weekends?  Closing Club Hillman at 9pm during finals week?  Where will this all end?

You have until January 5, 2012 to reinstate the cover sheets – in all five pastel colors.  I'm willing to negotiate the addition of a yellow sheet as compensation for damages.  My lawyer and I are eagerly awaiting your response.

Regards,

Kate McGarry ‘13

P.S.  Hail to Pitt!
P.P.S.  High octane!!!  Kidding, I know that wasn't your idea.
P.P.P.S.  I don't really have a lawyer.  But I'm still serious.